i dont think ive ever felt this uninspired before, fashion is my thing my go to, i am a fashion designer ? i feel i should change that statement to 'i was a wannabe fashion designer', university is honestly the most uninspiring depressing place to be where your forced to be individual but at the same time do exactly what they want you to do so it was never and will never be your design in the first place. I miss painting and printing and getting in a mess, i miss how this was and im sat here willing myself to make a skirt willing myself to be excited and i just cant muster up the strength, my boyfriend got an opportunity for work experience this week at a theatre and ive never felt more of a slap in the face. Not by him but by life, why am i not doing this, i have always been going somewhere always passionate so how did our roles become so reversed, how am i still sat in the same position as i was when i was 16, yet without a talent, i never thought i would question myself i believe arrogantly i was the best thing that would be happening to fashion and looking through my old work i was good, i was excited i wanted to do this and now ? im not sure, i really dont know, i want time out, i want to feel inspired and talented enough to pick up the fabric and make a skirt..

life is about love, lost minutes and last evenings

today is one of those days where nothing is happening and i cant be happy, this summer since i got home seems to one where nothing is happening and i cant be happy and ive only been home 6 days. In those 6 days i have come realise that its difficult trying to live here and live there and live all over the place because you can never settle long enough or have enough free time anywhere to have those friendships where best friendships begin to form. Since i got home all ive ive done is work in the same job ive worked at since i was 16, ive seen my boyfriend twice, and sat on ebay in my room for HOURS, ive bought pointless items because they are £1.50 and this is all i can afford and tonight I put on lipstick and did my hair just to try and look nice, as a cleaner there is little time to look nice during the day. I feel like im going through this stage of trying to adapt back into my old life, its just hard as i see everyone else hanging out with their friends, going to festivals, getting drunk, having money not being stupidly broke >.< and i just feel like where did i go wrong? ive always had friends ALWAYS, but living in this stupid village and being unable to drive i feel i could have all the friends in the world but its so hard to see them when buses finish here at 6 and i always seem to have work the next day stupidly early and they live stupidly far away. I always seem to get back to the point where in my room listening to sad music and wallowing in self pity at how friendless i am that night... and ofcourse being overdramatic. All i want this summer is to manage to get grey/blonde hair and be happy and have fun.. also maybe to turn twenty one and stop feeling like a over emotional teenager.